Friday, February 17, 2017

People welcome corpse as leader

People of a troubled African nation have welcomed news that they may soon have a corpse as a leader, saying they believed it may do a better job of running the country.

At a rally, the country's most successful typist, also known as the First Secretary, announced to a crowd that: "When he dies, his corpse will take over. That’s how popular he is."

Political analysts said this statement of saying the corpse would be as popular as the current leader was a major understatement. “It’s an understatement,” said one analyst, stating the fucking obvious. “Actually, the corpse will in fact be more popular. Seeing it will bring much joy to many.”

However, some were hugely surprised to hear they will vote for a corpse, as they were unaware that their leader was still alive all along.

"I am hugely surprised,” said one man, expressing huge surprise. “I was unaware that he was still alive all along.  Looking at the beloved country, there is nothing to show that it is actually led by anyone.”

Even the People From All Walks of Life, a shadowy group that appears every night on ZBC to hail any BS that comes out of the backsides of the country's gallant leadership, welcomed the news of a new leader, even a dead one.

“How worse can a corpse be?” said a senior member from People From All Walks of Life, asking nobody in particular.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Ruling party hails drought, says people with full stomachs are a problem

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The Ruling Party has hailed the drought, saying people with full stomachs are a problem.
It has been announced that 3 million people in the country will go hungry because of poor rainfall in all parts of the country. A spokesman for the Party said the Politburo had welcomed the news.

“I can confirm that the Politburo has welcomed the news,” the spokesman said, while picking pieces of T-bone steak from his teeth.

He explained: “People who have full stomachs are a serious problem to the party. They're hard to control.”

He carried on: “Imagine. If people are able to fend for themselves, who would come to Mother's rallies and ululate and dance for her donations of maize, soap, cooking oil and second hand clothes? Imagine!”

He then explained the party policy: “You see, our party is a party of the poor. This is why we keep creating more of them.”

One rather large chef told us what happened when he went to his village near Mupinyiwasvotoka hoping to hold a totally useless rally, as per party policy. “I went to my village near Mupinyiwasvotoka, hoping to hold a totally useless rally, as per party policy. 

"This was in 2012 after the inconvenient bumper harvest. Nobody came to the rally, imagine, even though I had brought free stuff. Imagine. I was informed by my spies that this was because these silly villagers had had good harvests and all their stomachs were full. So they didn’t need my generous generosity. Imagine.”

He said it was as if people came to rallies for free food and not to listen to important speeches about Zimasset and Rhodesians and gamatox and One Centre of Power and Bush and Blair and territorial integrity and sovhereniti.

At that point, one of his unwise bootlickers whispered: “Eh, shefu, people actually do go to rallies for food, and not to listen to speeches about Zimasset and Rhodesians and gamatox and One Centre of Power and Bush and Blair and territorial integrity and sovhereniti.”

At which point the bootlicker was immediately arrested. He is now helping police with investigations.

People from All Walks of Life, a secret organization that appears every night on ZBC TV news to hail any new shit done by the people’s party, has hailed the drought.
One member of the People From All Walks of Life said: “I hail the drought. It will create more poor people, who are the vanguard of the revolutionary party. Even me I don't want a full stomach. I don't want to be a problem.”

Friday, April 24, 2015

Revealed: Plot behind Leader's endless trips

The Presidential Stability Team in action.

It has now been revealed that the endless trips our leader is being forced to take are part of a dirty plot by the Mujuru cabal to keep him out of the country as much as possible.

Since being booted out by Dr Amai, the cabal has counterattacked by secretly arranging a number of endless and pointless trips for Dear Leader, thereby denying the people a chance to have an actual leader.

“It is a conspiracy to deny the country of leadership. It is clearly working,” said a senior minister, who had just accompanied The Head of State and Global Hair Dye Ambassador on a trip somewhere in the middle east, from which the minister had been paid enough allowances to allocate equally to his two wives and three small houses, including Bibiana, the troublesome one who is always demanding skin lightening creams and Brazilian hair.

"We suspect that the dirty Mujuru cabal were behind our leader's ascension to the SADC and AU leadership. They knew it would keep him away from the country."

A member of the Mujuru faction was asked to confirm whether there was a plot to keep the leader away from the country. In a reply that analysts said could be seen as confirming that there was plot to keep the leader away from the country, the man said: “I confirm that there is a plot to keep the leader away from the country.”

A member of the People From All Walks of Life castigated the endless trips, saying they were clearly part of a plot to keep the leader away from the country. “We castigate these endless trips, as they are clearly part of a plot to keep our leader away from the country,” she said when interviewed on the streets, but close to the Zanu offices on Fourth Street, which is where most ZBC interviews with People From All Walks of Life are held.

The Leader has now been to so many countries in such a short space of time that, at times, he gets confused and forgets whether he is coming or going, or even where the fuck he is. He has now hired a Chief Presidential Reminder (CPR), whose job it is to remind him where the fuck he is now.

At one time, after landing, The Leader complained loudly, ‘why are there no Zanu supporters from Epworth and Mbare to welcome me here? Why have they not thronged the airport? Where are my people?’ At which point the Chief Presidential Reminder quietly whispered; ‘My Leader, we are actually at Congo airport’.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Book of Factions: Verse 1-16

1.       One day two women dumb political factions, came to King Solomon The Fat Speaker, and one of them said:

2.      Mr Fat Speaker Sir, this bitch and I once lived in the same house. Not long ago, my baby party was formed, and years later, they claimed my own party was born. Nobody else was there with us, except maybe a few donors and white farmers and stuff, the usual midwives.

3.      One night while we were all asleep, something we like to do while The Wolves of Zanuland are out there looting and plundering and eating children, she rolled over on her baby, and he died. Well, to be honest, I wrote a nasty letter to her husband and she sent some young people to beat me up kuma-grocer pakazara vanhu.

4.      Then while I was still asleepeth - I told you I like sleeping - she got up and tooketh my party out of my Harvest House. She then went around telling People from All Walks of Life that the baby was hers.

5.      In the morning when I got up to feedeth my son my usual renewal bullshit porridge, I saw that he was dead. But when I looked at him in the light, which was really a candle because Zesa were being sons of bitches as usual, I knew he wasn’t my kid.

6.      “No!” the other bitch shouted. “He was your son. My baby is alive! Shiiiit.”

7.      “The dead baby is yours,” the first chick yelled. “Mine is alive, yoh!”

8.      They argued back and forth in front of the Fat Speaker, like two Avenues hookers – Bibiana and Spathodia - argue in front of a horny ZRP officer, until finally Speaker said unto them bitches, “Bitches! Both of you say this live baby is yours.

9.      Someone bring me a sword.”

10.   A sword – well, more relevantly an okapi, but in actual fact a rather not-so-violent parliament ruling - was brought, and Fat Speaker be like,

11.  “Cut the baby in half! That way each of you motherfuckers can have part of it.”

12.  “Please don’t kill my son,” screamed the so-called baby’s mother. “Mr Fat Speaker Sir, I love him very much. Just don’t kill him.”

13.  The other woman shouted, “Nah bitch, Go ahead and cut the motherfucker fam. Then neither of us will have the baby. If I can’t have him, nobody else can.”

14.  And so Mr Fat Speaker Sir said, “Don’t kill the baby.” Then he pointed to the first woman, “She is his real mother. Give the baby to her” … And then he said, “Nah, in fact, I’m playing. Cut that kid up…”

15.  And, having been watching through the windows and cheering on the whole thing and smelling blood, the Fat Dirty Bastard Wolves of Zanuland, barking and salivating, came rushing in through the gates and feasted upon the baby’s carcass.

16.  Everyone in the land, a country that used to be called Zimbabwe but has now become Zvimba-bwe after being taken over by a wealthy family from the mysterious Zvimba monarchy, was amazed when they heard how Mr Fat Speaker Sir had made his decision.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Only 2 delegates left for congress

Herald picture showing how neat Zimbo demonstrators are with their placards

After a big number of suspensions and firings and chasing away of many top chefs in the party, it has now been confirmed that only two delegates are now left to attend the December congress.

A spokesman confirmed that only two delegates are left to attend the congress.
Giving details, he said: “Yes. Only two members are left to attend the December congress.”

He also added that even he himself was no longer attending, as he would likely also soon be chased down the streets by crowds of skinny men and large women waving large, neatly printed placards.

Although the spokesman refused to name the two delegates, our sources say the two delegates are a married couple. The man is the owner of the party, and also, he believes, owner of the country. The woman, formerly known as the First Typist, or, more accurately, the real First Secretary, recently acquired a microwave doctorate.

At the congress, the man will go on the podium and shout the slogan ‘Pamberi neni’, punching the air.  The woman, who will be, like, the whole actual crowd, will shout back ‘Pamberi nemi daddy’, raising her fist, but taking care not to shake it too much, lest one drops that platinum-encrusted Cartier watch, the new one from the exclusive Ballon Bleu de Cartier collection, not that cheap Chanel Premiere bought at the Bawadi Mall in Dubai.

Pamberi Neni... Pamberi nemi...Pamberi Neni... Pamberi nemi...  This bullshit will continue for three days, an insider said.

People from all walks of life, the shadowy group that appears every night on ZBC to agree with everything, welcomed the development, as they always do.

 ‘This means there will be no more factionalism. Because, as you know, put three Zimbabweans in a room, and they will come out with four factions. So it’s good if only two people attend,’ said a member of the people from all walks of life.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Triumphal Entry - the Benz Edition

Emmanuel 263: Verse 1-12

NBJ (The New Bling Version)

1. As they approached Jerusalem Harare and came upon the Mount of Olives Harare Kopje, The Prophet sent two disciples henchmen in shiny suits. He sayeth unto them, "Go forth unto the village ahead of you Zimoco Car Dealership, and you will find a donkey 2015 Mercedes S65 AMG, specifically the one with the 12-cylinder, twin turbocharged AMG 6.0-liter engine. Untie the donkey the Benz and bring it to me. If anyone says anything to you, tell him that the Lord Papa needs it.

2. This took place to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet a fellow prophet: "Say to the Daughters of Zion H-Town, 'See, your king Papa comes to you, gentle and riding on a donkey in a 2015 Mercedes S65 AMG, specifically the one with the 12-cylinder, twin turbocharged AMG 6.0-liter engine.' "The disciples went and did as Jesus Papa had instructed them.

3. After the exchange of many shillings and shekels and stuff, reportedly 300 000 of them, the disciples broughteth the donkey the 12-cylinder, twin turbocharged AMG Benz, and Jesus Papa sat in it. And it was nice. Especially the hot stone massage seats and hand-made leather interior. Very nice.

4. And so a very large crowd spread their cloaks shiny Chinese jackets on the road (most probably Rotten Row), as Jesus Papa rode upon the donkey 12-cylinder, twin turbocharged 6.0-liter AMG Benz into the city. The hot sun beateth hard upon the sweating followers on the roads. But how was Papa to know, when this AMG Benz came with pretty top-spec climate control and a well-stocked fridge and stuff?

5. The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted, "Hosanna to the Son of David Papa!" "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord dressed in skinny jeans, floral Italian shirts and pointy Gucci shoes!"

6. When Jesus Papa entered Harare, the whole city was stirred and asked, "Who this nigga be?"

7. The crowds of Vana Vemuporofita answered, "This be Jesus our Papa, the prophet from Nazareth in Galilee Hurungwe, originally, but now from Borrowdale Brooke."

8. Jesus Papa entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. So that he alone could be buying and selling there.

9. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. He then put up his own tables of money changing and the benches for selling CDs and DVDs and car stickers and wristbands and badges and badly written pamphlets and stuff.

10. It was written, Papa said to them, ‘My house will be called a house of prayer’. But, he added, y’all know a lot of nonsense was written.

11. And when the Pharisees newspapers and critics saw all this, they were jealous and stuff.

12. And so he left them and went out of the city to Bethany the 5-star Meikles Hotel, where he spent the night. 

Friday, June 20, 2014

The ZanuPedia - Chef Lingo Explained


It has come to our attention that people from all walks of life are unable to understand what our patriotic leaders mean when they talk.

You all know that our chefs have their kind of language different from that used by the ignorant masses. Therefore, in an attempt to avoid confusion, the Ministry of Explaining Complicated Things is happy to announce this simple guide to help the people decipher chef lingo.

It is called the ZanuPedia.

Herewith some of the more common areas of confusion:

1.       Territorial integrity - ZanuPedia Definition: Owning more than 27 farms and refusing to give up all that territory.

2.       Sovereignty – The ability of chefs to shop overseas.

3.       The gains of the liberation struggle – A chef’s bank account, at least three light-skinned small-houses, and those 27 farms.

4.       Sanctions - An evil spirit that causes leaders to steal and mismanage resources against their will.

5.       Helping Police with investigations – To be detained, usually illegally, and having your balls kicked in, and your soles whipped till you admit to stuff like killing Kaguvi or something.

6.       National Security - Protecting chefs from the hungry masses. It usually involves hiring 45 guards.

7.       Regime Change Agenda - Free elections, free expression, and all that nonsense.

8.       Regime change agent – One who demands above.

9.       Diesel - A magical oily substance that emerges mysteriously from a rock when it is hit by a mysterious female n’anga’s magic stick while grown ass men with no shoes look on in amazement.

10.   Sellout – Any black person who has no farm.

11.   Campaign materials – Clubs, whips, machetes, knives, and some such weapons.

12.   Campaign strategy – Efficient and consistent use of the above.

13.   Indigenisation – Buying without paying.

14.   IndiChinasation – Not to be confused with number 10. This is the sell-off of national assets to China.

15.   Dividing the nation – Exposing corruption

16.   Anti-revolutionary – Also exposing corruption

17.   Unruly elements – People who do 15 and 16

18.   Strong leadership – The ability to eloquently insult white people in the finest English.

19.   Observers/Experts – Imaginary people that appear to journalists in visions.

20. Youth – Anyone below the age of 90

More shall be added as we get feedback from People from All Walks of Life.

 By Order:
Permanent Secretary in the Ministry of Explaining Complicated Shit.