Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Once upon a time in 2008...

A 17th Floor hotel room, two men have been sitting at opposite ends of a long dinner table. For hours, they've sat in silence, staring each other down.
Finally, they speak...

Rob: So?
Morgan: Yah. So?
Rob: Well?
Morgan: Well what?
Rob: Go on
Morgiza: Go on what?
Rob: Are you fucking with me?
Morgiza: Me? Fucking with you?
Rob: What you want?
Morgiza: What do YOU want?
Rob: No, YOU tell me what YOU want?
Morgiza: Tea and biscuits, with the cream off.
Rob: Do I look like a tea boy to you?
Morgiza: Oh gawd, here we go with the tea-boy thing again. What’s with you and the..
Rob: There you go again, denying your history.
Morgiza: Dude, really..
Rob: Alright, alright, I’ll get it.
Morgiza: Well, you better.
Rob:  I better what?
Morgiza: You better get them, or I’ll tell Thabo you wouldn’t get up to get me tea and biscuits.
Rob: And then what will he do? Send in his puny little army?
Morgiza: Shut the borders, cut off the power, like I told him.
Rob: (slowly handing Morgiza a pot of piping hot Tanganda Tea and Marie biscuits). You know what Morgan, you need to calm down and really think. Shutting down the border would hurt SA too, and Zambia, and everyone else up North…
Morgan: I hate Marie biscuits. I want Lobels Lemon Creams, with the cream off. Is that so hard for you to understand?
Rob: OK, ok, Morgan, here, Lobels Lemon Creams. Hand me the knife and I’ll scrape off the cream for ya. Whoah, easy now with the knife. Slide it over.
Morgiza: There.
Rob: So?
Morgan: So what?
Rob: What else can I do for you?
Morgan: You could start by getting out of State House and taking your wife with you. I won on March 29 and you know I did.
Rob: Ah, but you didn’t get the 50 plus one, did ya?
Morgan: Yeah, well, thanks to Simba. Fuck Simba.
Rob: Yeah, Fuck Simba, the arsehole. Man, if I ever see that boy…
Morgan: Eureka!
Rob: Okay, you are jumping up and down. Why are you doing that?
Morgan: Let’s call a press conference. We have found common ground. We hate that Simba’s guts.
Rob: Oh, here we go with the press conferences. What’s with you and press conf..
Morgan: You should try them some time.
Rob: You know you don’t even look good on camera, right?
Morgan: Ok, ok, stop getting personal. Change subject. Zuma has four wives.
Rob: Yeah, Zuma, randy old goat.
Morgan: Yeah, tell me about it. Won’t have that guy at my house. I got daughters you know.
Rob: I know. My daughter Bona is prime age for those Zulu types. I’d keep my eye out for Zuma if I were you. You’ve been getting cosy lately, haven’t you?
Morgan: Yeah, I call the guy, he calls me, that sort of thing. I try to tell him how bad you are, the guy asks about my daughters, including the twins. I then ask if the ANC can do something to end your three decades of callous dictatorship, and all the guy wants to talk about is the twins.
Rob: Yeah, odd guy, huh? First guy to visit when I beat your ass in 2002, now he’s talking funny about me.
Morgan: But do you think he’s as powerful as they say? Can I really trust him with anything? I mean, I don’t want to throw all my chips on him. He might go to jail soon.
Rob: Best bet is talk to him, AND that Kgalema character. Shifty operator that one.
Morgiza: Ah, shady Kgalema. What’s that guy really about? I mean really.
Rob: Well, don’t ask Zuma, he has no idea.
Morgiza: Eureka!
Rob: Put that down, we agreed on two key issues. What do we do now, still have time?
Morgiza: Do you have SuperSport?
Rob: (all excited) Cricket? IPL rocks! 20-20 baby!
Morgiza: Nah, golf for me.
Rob: Rotten sport. Played by men with time to waste.
Morgiza: Played by men with balls.
Rob: (Gasps) Morgan! Language. Please.
Morgiza: Ok, let’s get to the real issues, Mr President.
Rob: Hah! You called me President.
Morgiza: No I didn’t, you illegitimate leader you.
Rob: Stop it.
Morgiza:.(poking finger at Rob) Illegitimate, illegitimate, illegitimate.
Rob: Ok, now you sound like me.
Morgiza: You very bad man.
Rob: You British.
Morgiza: You … you …very bad ruler.
Rob: You, um, very bad opposition leader.
Morgiza: Your mother.
Rob: (Gasps, clasps his mouth in horror) My mother? YOUR mother!
Morgiza: (puts his head in his hands in horror) MY mother? Dude, YOUR mother!
Rob: More tea?
Morgiza: Six sugars.
Rob: So how can I rule without control of Parliament?
Morgiza: Ah, serious Rob comes out at last.
Rob: I need you to tell your people to support me on some stuff. We need some cooperation. We are one.
Morgan: No.
Rob: What do you mean ‘no’? Shouldn’t you think about it first, meet your politburo or whatever you call your gang, and discuss it?
Morgan: Yeah, like you discuss anything with your own people. I don’t. I tell them MDC is shit without Morgan Tsvangirai. And they know it. Ask Welshman.
Rob: Yeah, like what’s Zanu without Robert Mugabe, surely.
Morgan: (nodding) You know it.
Rob: Like the desert without the sand.
Morgiza: Like the sea without the water.
Rob: Like the MDC without the Brishit.
Morgiza: Aw, here we go again with the British.
Rob: I said Brishit. Heard that? British-Brishit? Geddit? Clever huh? It was Jonathan Moyo. Gawd, clever one that one.
Morgiza: He’s ours. He’ll vote against you in Parliament. Think about it, you can’t rule without us.
Rob: Liar. Do you know how many seats the appointments of the chiefs, governors and the other six give me? Do you?
Morgiza: You are a bastard.
Rob: (puts on a sad face) It’s not true. My father just wasn’t there, but I knew him.
Morgiza: Mwanawasa thinks you are…
Rob: (springs back to life) Oh, no, no, no Morgan. Nobody cares what Mwanawasa thinks. He’s just a buffoon, hurt in the head. Slow. When we go to SADC meetings, people avoid him. Nobody understands what he says, and he can’t keep secrets. He drinks alone. He farts. I’m sure you heard him say it himself. Even Thabo won’t take his calls now. And Thabo does like speaking on the phone, and this email thing. Here’s my advice, try Kikwete, or somebody. Please. Levy is just a big fat joke.
Morgiza: You liar. CNN and BBC and eTV and Sky never said that, so it’s just not true.
Rob: Hah hah hah! CNN and BBC and Sky? Weapons of Mass Deception? Hah, you kill me with your unique brand of humour, Morgan, you really do.
Morgiza: Just because something isn’t on ZBC…
Rob: Just because something isn’t on CNN…
Morgiza: Remove AIPPA. Remove POSA. Remove all those laws which make making fun of you a crime. Remove the soldiers from the rural areas, remove the militia from the camps, remove Gono from the Res…
Rob: Remove the milk on your nose.
Morgiza: Where?
Rob: Here (wipes some milk off Morgan’s snout)
Morgiza: Breakthrough?
Rob: Definitely. Write it down, ‘03:27am, President wipes milk from nose of opposition leader’
Morgiza: No, it should say, ’03:27am, illegitimate leader wipes milk off rightful ruler’
Rob: Here we go again. Me trying to be mature, and you trying to be funny.
Morgiza: Ah, Mugabe, wiper of milk off people’s noses.
Rob: Ruler and conquerer.
Morgiza: Liberator and oppressor.
Rob: Leader and defender.
Morgiza: Crusher and destroyer.
Rob: You are being funny right now.
Morgiza: Suppressor and repressor.
Rob: Stop that.
Morgiza: Smasher and grabber.
Rob: Sop it right now.
Morgiza: Oppressor and depressor.
Rob: Let’s end this, it ain’t going nowhere.
Morgiza: I agree. ‘03.42am, agreement reached’