Thursday, May 24, 2012

Morgan finally shows Presidential qualities

Morgan on the trip to Germany where he saluted the wrong flag and stuff. (Getty)


Prime Minister Tsvangirai will travel to China with a massive delegation of his hangers-on, plus his wife, at the taxpayer’s expense, in a move that proves he is presidential material after all.

According to reports, the PM will travel with a delegation of all the hangers-on in his office, perhaps including that sick fuck who wants women to shave their heads and never bath again.

His new wife, Sleazy Lizzy, is traveling first class with her Chubby Hubby.

Analysts said by spending taxpayers’ money on a trip that is as pointless as Gono’s doctorate, Tsvangirai is showing he has all the attributes of a president.
Going on useless foreign trips with ridiculously huge delegations of allowance-sucking bastards is very presidential, they said.

“A lot of so-called analysts have always been talking shit, saying the Right Honourable does not have presidential qualities. The women and all that. The homos at eTV even posted a video of him making a fool of himself with all that protocol bullshit in Germany. Look at him now, fools, say something now,” his spokesman, Luke Tamborinyoka, taunted reporters.
Analysts predict it won’t be long before the PM shows even more nice presidential characteristics; like speaking Victorian English, stealing elections, clinging to power, that sort of thing.

Monday, May 14, 2012

98% of Zimbos are literate. Who are the other 2%?

                                                                               Your average Zimbo politician.


According to a newly released report, 98% of the nation is literate. The remaining 2% is made up of politicians.
The Centre for the Deciphering of Inscriptions and Symbols (AKA Reading), said it had conducted extensive research before coming to that shocking conclusion.

“Yes, we can confirm that Unesco has declared Zimbabwe’s literacy rate stands at 98%, the highest on the African continent,” said an expert who looked like he knew what the hell he was talking about.

“We can also confirm that the remaining two percent is made up of MPs and Ministers.”

Asked whether he was not aware that, according to the UN, per capita, Zimbabwe has the world’s highest ratio of PhD Ministers, the expert said: “Take a look around you. Do you see any fucking evidence that this country is run by educated people?”
He pulled out a long list of really dumb shit done by politicians over recent times, from all that whole diesel-from-a-rock buffoonery in Chinhoyi to everything that comes out on ZBC between 8 and 9PM every fucking night. 

But he put it all away very fast because he quickly realised that the 98% who are literate would still vote for the 2% who are dimwits at the next election and these ass-swipes would become MPs, ministers and so forth and he'd be up to his eyeballs in shit.

MPs however said they welcomed the report. One Minister said he was proud that so many people in the country were able to read and write, even if he himself hasn’t the foggiest idea how to do so.


Monday, May 7, 2012

The VP talks bull....

Faithful bulls are no fun 


Women, listen carefully.

Now, if a whole Vice President, a whole war veteran, who shot down a whole helicopter with her AK47, was washing her philandering husband’s feet, then who the hell are you to be complaining about your hubby's cheating?

Listen to the most powerful woman in the country speak: “I did not stop washing by husband’s feet, even when he had done wrong”.

Doing "wrong" here means sleeping around with a few chicks. Beatter, the fat one with the Fanta-face and big ass and the humungous boobies for a general to rest his weary head on. Or Prevalence, the talkative, skinny Rhumba dancer known for climbing up the railings at Rufaro stadium every Sunday to wiggle her skinny ass for Dynamos.
In fact, according to the VP, you women should do nothing about your husbands’ philandering. OK? Just sit down and wash his feet.

Here’s how she puts it: “Kana pamba pako uine bhuru reBrahman, dzichienda kudhibhi haugone kuritaurira kuti servicer (mombe) yekwanhingi usaservicer yekwanhingi.” (interpretation: let bulls roam free)
In fact, while Brahman is servicing all sorts of cows, he gets his spies to trail your ass, making sure you don’t go out to find your own service. That’s what the VP said.

In other words, just let your hubbies, in the deep, philosophical words of the Notorious BIG, “fuck bitches”.

When he comes home in the morning, reeking of liquor and wild pussy, wash his feet and shut your mouth.

And, yet, here you are, you ‘modern woman’, talking out your ass about ‘hee in these days of HIV, hee no to violence against women’.
You women thought you had progressed? No. You are falling backwards into deep backward shit.

And the Brahmans? They roam the fields, looking for random plum heifers to service. Why not?

Women, if our VP can wash the hooves of her philandering Brahman, who are you to demand anything better?

Who are you? Are you a Vice President of a country? No? Did you ever shoot down a helicopter with an AK47? No? Then sit your ass down then.
Shut the hell up and watch those who are Vice Presidents, and those who shot down choppers, peel back all those gains you women figured you had won.