Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The temptation of Kunonga

 



Nolbert 4:1-12
1. Then Kunonga was led into the wilderness, to be tempted by the devil.
2 And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, only because there was no Nandos nearby, he was hungry
3 And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread
4 But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by the grabbing of church buildings, and renting them out for many shillings
5 Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city, more accurately the CBD, and sitteth him high on the pinnacle of the Anglican temple,
6 And saith unto him, if thou be the Son of God, cast thyself down to the ground: for it is written, He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
7 Kunonga said unto him, nigga please! I ain't gonna jumpeth for nobody 
And I shall not go down even for you, for I be no homosexual
8 Again, Satan, shaking his head at Kunonga's homo obsession, taketh Kunonga up onto a very high mountain, most probably the Harare kopje, and showeth him all the properties of the Anglican diocese, from the main Cathedral, to Warren Park and Budiriro, and beyond, and the glory of them all;
9 And he said unto Kunonga, All these things will I give unto thee, if thou will fall down and worship me
10 And Kunonga, being pleased with the devil's offer, sayeth unto him, Get thee behind me Satan ... for I shall bend over for you, so you may haveth your way with my fat ass
11 And behold, in exchange for Kunonga's soul, the devil hadeth his way with the bishop's ass
12 And, it came to pass, that even when all the property had soon been removed from Kunonga's hands, so remaineth his ass sore and bruised
 



 

 

 

Friday, November 16, 2012

Kids go hungry, women go bald after beer hike



This is how bad things get when your Finance Minister isn't a drinker. Grown-ass men sharing masese from a bucket


Wives will now have to shave their heads and children will have to go without food and school fees after Tendai Biti raised the price of beer.

Biti said he was raising duty on beer in order to fund education. But raising beer prices defeats the purpose, according to experts interviewed at Asina Hembe bar.

"Ok, so you raise beer taxes because you want to fund education. Makes no sense. Why?" said a beer drinker, asking himself a question, before quickly answering it himself before anyone else did. "Because raising beer prices means we cut budgets for everything else. Why?" he asked, again to noone in particular. "This is because it is biologically impossible to cut beer consumption. So what do you do?" he asked again, now becoming a nuisance. "So you reduce your budget on other less important things, like the woman's hair, school fees, food and so forth..."

Mashiripiti Bar appeared deserted on Thursday, but that's just because
the drinkers are drinking in the dark, hiding from wives, etc







Friday, November 2, 2012

ZBC counters media lies with its own lies


ZBC, the most popular TV station in the country, which is also the only TV station in the country, has hired the country’s finest fiction writers to write its news bulletins, in a strategic counter-attacking move against Western lies about our country.
 
The so-called independent Western-funded media’s lies have gone too far, a spokesman for the ZBC said.
One journalist has now been arrested for saying that The Great Leader, currently aged 88, will be a whole 94 years old at the end of his next term of office which starts after he wins resoundingly next year.
 
All doubts about how marvelous The Great Leader is have now been ended after the 8PM news last night, which carried a variety of reports showing how impossibly incredible our leader is, contrary to all the media lies.
 
Here are the headlines:
  • The Head of State and Government and Commander in Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces - *newsreader pauses for breath* - is so good at multi-tasking today he killed two stones with one bird.

  • Rumours that The Leader can no longer see very well are lies, as he read a speech today with his eyes closed.

  • The Wise Leader has urged youths not to succumb to pressure from their peers. His spokesman dismissed suggestions that the only reason His Marvelous Excellency himself does not face peer pressure is because he has no peers. "There are many people his age, but they are in the rural areas, sitting under mango trees all day, snuffing Shamrock, drinking masese and talking shit."

 
In a documentary about his glorious past aired last night, it was revealed that The Great Leader once swallowed a nail and it came out the other end a screw.

In the Quiz section of the news, it was said that the old quiz question of ‘which came first, the chicken or the egg’ is irrelevant. Clearly, The Jongwe was obviously there way before both, because he's the one that impregnated the hen.

And in sports news: “The Great Leader has run the 100metres in 6 seconds, but, after that whole ganja thing, this will not be made public because he does not want to embarrass or offend the Jamaicans once again.”
 
Viewers across the country are glued to their screens, mouths open in wonder and delight, waiting for more news.