Residents shocked over un-poisoned Harare water

Harare water, without cynanide

Harare residents have expressed shock at news that council water was not already poisonous.

The Herald had reported that some dumb shits at Harare's Morton Jaffray Water Works - who obviously skipped those 'purple triangle means poison' classes in primary school - were about to pour 19 tonnes of sodium cyanide into Harare's drinking water, before some idle driver stopped them.

"We are in shock," one resident said. "So, you mean, all along, our water was not poisoned?"

Other residents expressed shock that council water still existed at all. "We haven't had water here, poisoned or not, for 17 years," some said. "The water shortages would have saved us all", said one resident, wearing a Tsvangirai-in-Australia grin.

Mother's milk is best!

To the left, the soon-to-be-bust Dendairy. To the right, the National Milk.
We found this at an OK outlet. We expect more outlets to be more patriotic

Thousands of milk drinkers are pouring into supermarkets across the country after the much-awaited Alpha Omega milk, freshly squeezed from the prolific cow-boobs of the nation’s First Dairy, finally hit the shelves.

"We had been salivating since Amai talked about the dairy in the Sunday Mail," a guzzler said, waiting in a queue outside an OK Store, and salivating.

Why was the launch of Alpha milk so eagerly awaited?

An analyst explained: "We all want to live long. We hear this is what the Eternally Energetic 88-year-old Man from Zvimba drinks. So, clearly, this milk is going to fly off the shelves at the speed of Morgan's zip."

Shops reported that sales in imported milk have withered and sagged lower than boobs at a Zanu Women's League Congress.

Mango flavoured Appetina.

"Fuck off you Clover, you Parmalat, Danone and you NutriDay and all those other Sethafriken shits. Oh, and a special, double-thick fuck you to Nestle. Refused to take our mother’s milk thinking we couldn’t do it on our own. Bastards!" said one kid who still has milk on the nose.

This will become the national drink, the ZBC reported. It said the milk had been welcomed by People From All Walks Of Life, a secretive organisation of nameless people who appear every night on ZBC news and like to 'castigate' a lot.

A health expert reiterated: "Mukaka waAmai (mother’s milk) is best for her children." He then laughed, realising how lame that statement was.

It is expected that, naturally, Alpha Omega products will now become the compulsory product of choice in all government buildings, where tea time is known to be the highlight of every government worker's day.