Monday, October 14, 2013

Whole country celebrates unbroken hymen

After months of bad news, the nation finally got some much-needed good news when it was announced that the First Daughter was still a virgin.

"The First Hymen remains unbroken!" the First Madam announced. 

News of the purity of the First Virgin has been received with much celebration across the country. People from All Walks of Life ran around the streets, singing and shouting for joy, cars hooted and there were fireworks. A public holiday was declared.

News that the First Membrane remained unbroken restored confidence in the economy. There was enough electricity. Water came out of taps. People got jobs. Even sanctions were removed.

A member of the People from All Walks of Life said: "We are excited to hear that the First Hymen remains intact. The status of that membrane is the single most important issue to citizens of this country. We are all very happy now."

In a show of patriotism, many faithful supporters declared they too would emulate the First Family's example.

Said a member of the Women's League: "Even me also, I have now decided to remain a virgin, to set an example to my children."

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Power restored to shed light on plotters



Power cuts have ended after an anonymous letter was sent to the President; the letter claimed that unscrupulous meetings plotting against the Great Leader are being held every time there is a power cut.
“When it is dark, Cde President, all these unscrupulous enemies of yours, they take advantage, they gather in dark corners, holding blasphemous and treasonous  and unscrupulous meetings,” said the letter, most likely written by a clever member of the People from All Walks of Life, a shadowy group very familiar to all ZBC news viewers.

Cynic's investigations revealed a regime change agenda. A leaked document from one of the meetings revealed the agenda of one such meeting. At the top of the page, it says: "Agenda: Regime Change". Below that are various regime change agenda items.  
Later, at what officials assured us was a completely unrelated press conference quickly held at the state house joint, The President announced that Zesa had been ordered to stop all this load shedding bullshit forthwith. “Stop all this load shedding bullshit forthwith. I am keeping the lights on from now on.”